Author’s notes
I hope sometime I can rewrite this to make the Student sound younger. But this is what I have for now.
Part 1
At this juncture, I must confess that I am prepared to seek alternate solutions.
Sorry, I literally just woke up. What?
Ah, my sincere apologies. Please, take your time and get back to me at your leisure.
I wish to discuss graviton-enhanced monetary acquisition.
Gimme a minute.
Can you repeat what you said? Graviton-enhanced…
I suspect I have been underutilizing gravitons in my efforts to accrue capital, and wish to remedy this with help from an expert – you.
You’ve got the wrong girl. I didn’t get to that lesson in school yet.
But you are self-educated, are you not? After all, you constructed an apparatus capable of redirecting ambient gravitons.
…
This thing?
[Takes out a misshapen box that appears to be made of crumbling tile fragments.]
Indeed. I wish to learn your secrets, and will compensate you handsomely in turn.
Ok, uh. I got some bad news and good news.
Bad news, I don’t know the secret. Also, money is kind of free around here.
Then by what means did you construct-
I made this by trial and error. It barely even works, and then you gotta give it a good thump to reset it.
Someday it’s going to break.
The good news is, there are ways to find out.
All you have to do is help me test them.
Test them?
No. I participated in one of your so-called tests already. It was little more than a prank, such as those I have come to expect from the Angel.
Oh, I’ve been meaning to say sorry for that.
It was just a blind trial, I didn’t mean any harm. But we don’t have to do those anymore if you don’t like them!
Part 2
Very well, I shall take part in another experiment, on the condition that the dignity of all participants be respected at all times.
Jeez, do you need to be so formal about it?
Great to have you on board!
I thought of a lot more magnet-based tests to run! Which-
Hold on, my purpose here is to learn about your device, not mine.
[Points at the item the Student is holding.]
And if I could tell you what makes this work, I already would have.
[Shakes the cluster of crumbling tile pieces, producing a faint rattle.]
I don’t even know if it’s even gravity that this controls.
Cause I’ve been thinking, what if it’s actually all magnets? What if the tunnel is a big magnet holding us down?
I mean, that’s way simpler than somehow changing gravity.
A fascinating hypothesis, but how could it be true without my noticing?
I figure that depends on how the magnets pull on us. There are at least three possible answers, each of which would require a different test.
Option one: batteries. They’re a bit magnetic even when not floating, and I know I carry one at all times. I assume you do too. Option two: it could be pulling on trace metals like aluminum. This would distribute the force more evenly throughout the body. Oh, and if it’s pulling your electromagnet with the same force, that might be why you don’t feel it. Three: diamagnetism. We learned about this as a fun fact in class. Most materials can become magnetic near a powerful enough magnet. The magnetic field pushes and pulls on positive and negative charges until you become a weak magnet yourself, and get pushed away. So that would mean we’re being pushed away from the ceiling rather than being pulled towards the floor.
Make sense so far?
I believe I follow, yes.
No offense, but consider including more pauses in your speech. Else you risk being labeled “overly verbose,” a label I am unfortunately familiar with and would not wish upon another.
…You don’t think you’re verbose?
I am better described as erudite, eloquent, perhaps grandiloquent.
But I keep my speech no longer than necessary. Speaking of which, you may continue and I shall not interrupt.
Where was I? Something about the ceiling… Oh yeah, diamagnetism.
We want to test batteries, trace metals, and diamagnetism. Unless you can think of another?
I think three is more than enough to begin with, and perhaps we should narrow our scope rather than broadening it.
So you’re saying, pick one?
Batteries might be the easiest one to test, because if the magnetic force is concentrated at one point we could detect that. Whereas diamagnetism sounds hardest to test, because if the tunnel’s magnetism is strong enough to polarize us, your magnet would have barely any effect, relatively speaking. But then your magnet might also be pulling on trace metals, so we need a way to differentiate that too. Like a non-metallic item, which is surprisingly hard to come by around here.
…May I provide feedback now?
Of course!
Ooh, do you have any suggestions for non-metallic items? Like how the Pastafarian’s spoon is pure wood, do you have anything like that?
Perhaps n-
Oh wait! The Pastafarian mentioned that she’s never dropped the spoon and needed to retrieve it. If we can reproduce that, it should tell us which option is true!
…
Sorry, sorry. Your turn now.
No problem, I assure you. It is clear that you have more expertise than you realize, and are enthusiastic to share it.
It’s charming in its own way, and even if some of my high society peers might disagree, they aren’t here at present.
In any case, I believe you have laid out all of the information we need.
We have the means to test the battery and trace metal hypotheses, but as the Pastafarian has returned home, we cannot test diamagnetism.
Shall we start with the battery test?
That being the one most immediately relevant to my interests, I confess…
Part 3
[The two now stand next to a box. The near face of this box is open, with the inside of the lid serving as a makeshift table for an upside-down balance scale.]
I concur, this appears adequately balanced. Two power cells of alien origin on the left, balancing one science fiction magazine of terrestrial origin on the right.
Good, I was almost out of combinations to try.
And now the test. Remember, you want to be exactly centered.
[Moves a little to his left to line up.]
Activating… now.
I feel a slight force in the direction of the scale, but don’t observe any change in the balance.
Yeah, me neither.
…Try nudging it?
[Pokes the left scale.]
Ok, it’s… returning to balanced. Is that what you see?
Barring some lingering oscillations, yes, I observe the same.
Then either the magnet is pulling both sides equally, or not at all.
Then we have excluded hypotheses number 1?
Uh, hang on. Maybe not yet.
That magazine has more than just trace metals. What if it’s just as magnetic as the battery?
And how do you propose to test their relative magnetism?
Oh, we already did that. Now what we need is to test one alone.
[Picks up her magazine up near the Gentleman’s hat.]
Turn it back on and let’s see.
It remains on.
…I don’t think it’s sticking.
[Presses the magazine against the hat.]
Woah, don’t push!
[Stumbles back, gripping brim of hat.]
[The magazine slips and falls up out of frame.]
The nerve! Do you have any idea how difficult it is to retrieve when I lose this?
[Points up at the magazine on the ceiling.]
About that difficult?
I suppose that result implies a complete lack of magnetic attraction on the part of that magazine?
Hey, first things first. Help me get it down, then we’ll talk results.
No thank you. That process is not part of the experiment and is distinctly undignified.
Well… I’m getting it. Either help or get out of the way.
Then I shall wait at a safe distance.
[Turns to leave.]
Part 4
Well done.
So I was chasing this magazine around…
And I thought, magnetism wouldn’t pull it like this. Would it?
You want to rule out magnetism, even after going to all this effort?
Hopefully!
I wanna rule out as much as possible.
Cause in science, you always have to use the simplest answer.
Meaning whichever answer makes the fewest assumptions.
So magnetism is a simpler explanation than gravity, because we already know how it could do most of this. We don’t need to assume.
But if we can rule out magnetism, then we get to consider gravity. And wouldn’t that be cool?
Technology that manipulates a fundamental force in never-before-seen ways!
I see.
But supposing we rule out magnetism… What practical knowledge will we gain from today’s work?
I apologize for belaboring the point, but I cannot afford more wasted days. If my timetable estimate is correct, I have less than a year remaining for preparation.
Less than a year? What are you preparing?
That’s a trade secret, I’m afraid. I can’t share details unless and until you sign on as a business partner.
Eh, hire the Angel if you want an engineer.
Out of the question. Even if he hadn’t gone home, I only hire people I trust.
Back to science, then? Before we waste any more daylight?
Part 5
To conclusively rule out magnetism, we’d need to run the same tests outside the tunnel’s influence.
You mean outside the boundaries of the Tunnels?
No. Well, maybe if there was some way to get very far away.
But if you’re right outside, they’re still pushing on you.
Are you certain of that? I have not observed such a thing except at certain angles.
[Points down through a hole in the floor.]
Specifically, whenever you exit a tunnel through a hole in what is currently the floor, the gravitational effect continues unabated.
However, should you exit through a hole in what is currently a wall, you are not encumbered by gravity.
It is a rather sharp division; are you certain you have not noticed such a thing?
No, no. I noticed.
I’m saying there’s still gravity-or-magnetism, even though it isn’t pushing the same way.
Far as I can tell, when you’re outside you get pushed outwards.
Like, whatever direction is away, that’s how you get pushed.
Have you confirmed that this outside force is the same pseudo-gravitational effect? Perhaps it is something else entirely.
Ooh, good point! That’s worth a quick trial!
How do you propose to perform this trial with no surface to stand on?
We’ll make one.
Using… this!
[Dramatically throws open a nearby box.]
Wait, where is it?
Oh yeah. I left it…
Here!
[Hops behind another box.]
[Begins walking around the box.]
[The box lifts up above the Gentleman, who stumbles backwards.]
By the Founder!
[Holds the box over her head using a ring.]
See? Portable platform!
[Slowly walks the box towards a larger gap in the floor.]
How did you manage to move that? I was under the impression that it was fixed in place!
Oh, the Runner and I discovered these rings that can rearrange tiles and boxes and so on. Don’t worry, it’s not part of the test.
Yet. Hopefully if we finish one test, he’ll be up for more later.
But this is incredible! Do you realize the potential construction utility of such a device?
The Runner and I are using them to make a bridge, so… yes?
[Attempts to push the box through the floor gap, but it stops in line with the tunnel’s edge.]
Hey, could you help me push? We gotta get this all the way outside.
Of course.
Can I try manipulating this ring?
Yeah if you want. Try to push it parallel to its plane, that’s easier.
[Working together, the two push the box down slightly.]
[The Student lets go, and the box slides back into place at the edge of the tunnel.]
It didn’t stay? That’s no good.
How much for the ring?
Huh?
[Holds the ring tightly.]
I’ll buy it. Name your price.
This will revolutionize my business model. I can’t leave here without purchasing it.
We haven’t found that many of them, so…
1000 batteries. 1500.
[Blinks.]
I was going to say 100 or something.
You really do want it, huh.
3000.
No no, that’s ok. You can have it, once we’re done here.
Stupendous! I shall retrieve my payment posthaste.
Hang on, we aren’t even done with the test!
[Hesitates, but doesn’t return.]
Actually go ahead if you want.
If you’re that excited to throw money at me, why should I stop you?
I can use the time to go find… And he’s gone.
[Continues running, then magnetizes towards a floating battery in the distance, doing a flip after picking it up.]
Part 6
[The Student now holds a second ring, and the Gentleman proffers a small cylinder.]
I have procured your payment, in condensed form for ease of transport.
Thanks. Do you mind if I…
[Puts down the ring, then presses the power cell with both arms.]
[The tunnel is illuminated as if the power cell was a miniature sun. An enormous translucent tetrahedron appears around the Student and Gentleman.
[The tetrahedron’s light alternates between red and yellow, and its shape wobbles unpredictably.]
[The effects vanish.]
…Hah, wow.
What on the Planet and the Universe beyond was that?!
Ow, my eye!
I may not be able to read the writing, but I don’t have to.
That was a PEBCAK issue, as the Angel calls it. Ask him if you want the details.
Short version: that was the battery saying not to charge it so much.
[Rummages around in her backpack.]
My mistake. I hope it remains suitable as payment?
Assuming I can discharge it without anything catching fire, yes.
But next time-
Distribute the charge into multiple cells, acknowledged.
Right.
I notice you retrieved an additional construction ring.
Construction… That might work for a name. I’ve been calling ’em manipulator rings.
Yeah. Hoping that with two, we can push it farther.
[A short montage plays, with each screen showing a different attempt to move the box.]
[Attempt 1: the box has two rings, and the Student and Gentleman are each pressing on one, to no apparent avail.]
[Attempt 2: both are standing on the box, which has moved slightly down.]
[Attempt 3: one of the rings is on top of the box, which has moved back up to where it started.]
[Attempt 4: two boxes are stacked on top of one another. Each box has its own ring. The Gentleman pushes on the bottom box’s ring, and both boxes move down slightly.]
[The Student gestures to the top ring, possibly saying something as well.]
[Attempt 4 continued: the Gentleman climbs the bottom ring to grasp the top one.]
[The boxes suddenly fall about half a tile width, placing the bottom box almost fully outside. The Student falls over.]
It worked! What did you do?
Nothing more or less than previously discussed. The boxes moved in the moment that I grasped the top ring.
[The Student’s box rises up and tilts over, dumping her off.]
Gah! What was that?
Apologies. I didn’t realize that would happen when I let go.
No that’s ok, that’s good info!
[Stands and turns to look at the boxes.]
I think the outside box pushed its way back in.
I concur.
And they tipped like a stack of blocks falling over. But…
[Walks around the top box, which is suspended in midair at about a 45° angle.]
…Then they both stopped.
The bottommost box ceased moving precisely at a box’s ordinary resting height.
Hmm?
Oh yeah, it’s halfway in.
[Holds out an arm as if holding a microphone.]
Speaking as the preeminent scientist in this particular tunnel, what would you conclude about this phenomenon?
Hah. Did you actually make a joke?
Speaking as this tunnel’s preeminent scientist, we can conclude that physics may be toggled on and off for boxes with manipulator rings.
Physics, you say?
Kinematic motion. Adherence to gravity. Why, this has incredible implications!
…I don’t know if this has implications.
But I’ve never seen one of these boxes not hover in place.
And the rings enable this capability?
I don’t know, but it’s worth testing sometime.
Speaking of time, I remain eager to return to my own work. If you wouldn’t mind…
Oh yeah, we can definitely use this to finish the test.
And hopefully you’ll stay for the next.
Finish the test? I was hoping to depart at once…
Part 7
Now we have a way to get a box outside, but I’ll have to hold the rings steady.
Can you do the test on your own?
Nothing simpler. However…
I would first like to raise some safety concerns. What precautions will we take to prevent me or the box from slipping and falling?
Well the box isn’t a problem. We already know it falls back into the tunnel.
All you have to do is be inside the box, and you’re fine.
I would immediately like to raise some dignity concerns.
Uh… I could borrow your hat and do it.
My identifying item?
It’s not like the Government is gonna find out. But no pressure.
I respectfully decline.
Can you arrange the boxes to provide a comfortable platform to stand on, as previously discussed?
[Gestures to the two stacked boxes.]
Not using one to push the other. But I bet we could find a tether and tie you to the bottom.
Rather than expend further time searching, I shall consent to doing the experiment in the box.
Cool! Here’s the balance. Can you get in from here?
[Performs a full jump to cross the less-than-one-tile distance to the box.]
Oh wait, don’t close it yet, you need this too!
[Hops over to the box lid holding her magazine.]
All set?
Yes, now please shut the door so I may put these down.
[Stands on the ring to shut the door.]
Can you get the latch?
Where would that be located?
It’s the thing with the light. Just push it sideways until it clicks.
An elegant safety feature. I approve.
[Jumps to grab onto the other box.]
Almost ready!
Likewise.
[Stacks the boxes, and uses the top one to push the Gentleman’s box outside.]
The force of gravity has decreased. I take it I may commence the experiment?
Commence away!
Initial report: two power cells balance one science fiction magazine, with minor oscillations.
Amended report: the oscillations have ceased and the scale is even.
Engaging electromagnet… now.
And?
I can detect magnetic forces in multiple directions. I believe one originates from the balance and one from outside this box.
Which direction?
The direction towards you.
Is it a strong force?
No, I am maintaining balance without issue.
Report: the contents of the scale do not seem perturbed by the introduction of the electromagnet.
And if you nudge them?
The scale is swaying slightly, but appears to be evening out.
Yes, it has evened out once more.
This concludes the experiment, does it not?
Sure. You can come back in.
Let me know when-
[jumps back to solid ground]
[The stack of boxes tips over as the Gentleman’s box pushes itself up into the tunnel.]
█████!
…What did I tell you about dignity in experimentation?!
Sorry! I just wanted to see that again, I wasn’t thinking.
I’ll get you out.
No, not yet!
Ahem. By which I mean, I’m fully capably of extricating myself.
[Opens the box lid, which is, fortunately, pointed upwards.]
See? No trouble at all.
Here are your test items back, and-
[The scale falls past the Gentleman to the ceiling.]
And that was an unintended but perhaps predictable consequence of this box’s undignified return to the tunnel.
As such, perhaps you can take responsibility for retrieving it.
…I’m done with it for now. Maybe later.
Very well. Now please remind me, which manipulator ring is mine?
This one right here. I think?
It should come off if you pull it.
[Pulls the ring.]
Then I will be off. It has been a pleasure doing business with you.
And less of a pleasure doing experiments, but I appreciate that you made an effort to accommodate me.
[The camera watches the Gentleman disappear into the distance.]
[A bright light, shifting from red to yellow and back, is once again seen from behind the camera.]